Relationships and Resiliency

The quality of your relationship with yourself, your partner (and children), your neighbors and your network trumps whatever resources and technical expertise you might possess.  You aren't resilient simply because you've got stuff. You need good relationships with reliable people.

Its hard to get through childhood without some trauma and  most people live their lives in various forms of unconscious compensation.  In my case, I did not get the attention and approval I needed. When it came to my adult relationships with women, I consistently chose partners that were not fully healthy emotionally and who mirrored my trauma. I seemed to need to be in control and to rescue.  The relationships were exciting at first but later crashed and burned at tremendous emotional and financial cost. Twice I lost everything and had to rebuild.  I was lucky that I didn't lose a third time - the resilient sanctuary I labored upon for 30 years.  Eventually, at the age of 60, unable to stomach another horrific loss, my behavior changed.  I chose to befriend someone that did not activate my trauma driven attraction. I contented myself (as did she) with a long friendship. It went so well without any drama, that we eventually risked intimacy. We are now life partners and we're incredibly happy.  This highly functional relationship has allowed us to thrive in ways I never could and to implement the resiliency features I consult on. It took stability, trust, money and teamwork. We are not married but we have taken care of each other financially and agreed how we will deal with all future scenarios.  Be careful with your relationships. They often don't last. If you are going to invest in your resiliency, have written agreements with your partner (s).

I live in the country with neighbors that are politically to the right of me.  They are good people. We like each other but we don't socialize.  We collaborate from time to time on things like downed trees and lost animals.  Most of them have multiple weapons, know how to use them, and are very independent and suspicious of government.  I am keen to maintain good relations with them.  Some of them have livestock. Some have equipment. Some have hunting skills. Some know how to fix things. Some are well networked locally. Some have medical skills and connections to the police.  Those are the sorts of connections and skill sets that matter in emergencies. 

We haven't had a nationwide disruption of essential services in our lifetimes. So nobody really knows what's going to happen if we do. Experts agree that folks living in cities and suburbs will be more vulnerable than people living out in the country. It stands to reason that when those folks get hungry enough they'll venture out into the country looking for help. If you live in the country you're not going to want to be dealing with those folks one-on-one. You're going to want to be as charitable as you can be but in a controlled manner without threat to life or limb. Therefore, you're probably going to want to have a neighborhood watch team that engages with these desperate folks before they come knocking on your door.  You're going to want to have the respect of your neighbors going into such a fraught situation. Cultivating that respect right now is part of a good resiliency plan.

The more skilled and resourced  people you know in your wider community the better. I know metal workers, electricians, mechanics, doctors and nurses, farmers, builders, equipment operators etc.  Some of my friends have connections into communities overseas and some family members have second homes (places you might go to).  Some of these people are interested in conversations about resiliency and some aren't.  I have spoken with the ones that are and have taken a mental inventory of who might be on the resiliency team in the event of an emergency. I've had conversations with children and family members and a few close friends. To be honest, I'd rather help people get better prepared now than provide them assistance later. It won't be easy for me to say no, so I am going the extra step right now to make sure the people I love are aware of their vulnerability and give them the opportunity to do something about it. You might do the same.